| My principal motivation was to donate blood, not to have the HIV test. I was not ready in any way to be tested for HIV. In my mind there was no reason to think that the result could ever be positive because, I thought, "I belong to the health personnel union, and my profession makes me invulnerable to getting such diseases." This idea is one of the worst mistakes you can make.
Since I never thought that the result could be positive --- and besides I never had such an active sexual life, or many partners -- I did not practice any prevention. I think that if I had received information on time -- and I don't mean academic information from the university, I mean the kind of information that makes us conscious of the risks we can have in life -- then my story would be different.
The way I learned of the result was through a letter in an unsealed envelope sent to me at my job. The terse letter said that I should be present at a specific hour, Monday to Friday, and ask for a person (since then I've been told that she was the director of the blood bank).
This letter hit me like a ton of bricks. I lost all peace of mind, and I kept wondering what they needed to tell me, or what had happened to my blood. I confess that I once thought that maybe the result of one of the three tests -- syphilis, hepatitis or HIV (then we used to say AIDS) -- could be positive, but I immediately put it out of my mind and changed my thoughts to "maybe they need me to donate more."
The result was communicated very calmly. But whenever you receive a positive result, you do not listen to what the counselor is telling you. Your life is like a movie -- in a few seconds, you see everything, very fast.
I remember how I cried, like a child. Then I asked the doctor to allow my friend to come and stay with me. I hugged my friend and asked him to hold me, while at the same time I told him about my health situation. It was one of the worst moments in my life, and its impact still exists in my mind today.
I felt like the only person in the universe with this problem. One of the most serious problems that came to mind was how could I tell my family, and suddenly I saw myself traveling down a road with no way out. How could it be possible that a professional like me could have this disease? Could I ever work with patients with their health problems? Suddenly I felt that six years at the university were going directly into the garbage and also a whole promising future.
But the worse had not yet started. People I had known for so long turned their backs on me in every way. It was disappointing to see how human beings can treat each other. |
There was no information about how to avoid infecting others. For more than a year I became absolutely asexual. There were no stimuli that could change my position. I was scared, and I thought that I was never going to use my sexuality again. I did not even know how to use a condom and when it should be used. After some years, I realized that I could have sexual partners again, always using condoms. I also learned to have one stable partner for a long time.
What I do remember is that I was required to inform my job as soon as possible, and I remember they even gave me a deadline. If I did not do it, they were going to inform my chiefs about my health status. And they really did, without my approval. They did not even tell me they were going to do it. I realized that everyone at the university knew my health status. Even my chief confessed that he knew it one week before I was told about it.
I wish it could have been different -- not just for me, but for everyone. It is the lack of confidentiality and professional discretion…There are many professionals today with no ethics or morals, and they do not know the damage they can do with their comments.
I communicated the result of my test to two people directly, and I told my family ten days after I learned it. After that, how the news was spread in my union is something I'll never know.
I received support from close friends, but the news started spreading. Then people started with prejudices and with really discriminatory and wounding comments.
Discrimination is a mild word for the whole Calvary I passed through. If I could put it into words, I'd say: cornered, persecuted, humiliated, accused, judged and I do not know what else. But what hurts most is that people you've known for such a long time are the ones who can do this to you. It does not hurt that much when it comes from people you do not know, but it does when it comes from people you call friends.
Thank God I always have my family's and God's support, and that's the important thing today. And even with all the terrible things that it has meant, learning that I was HIV-positive was a jolt that helped me in many ways, such as maturity, ways of confronting problems, and my life's vision and my self-esteem. |